Nicole Richie in private hospital

Her publicist(s) are saying that she is “working” with doctors and nutritionists on an undisclosed problem. Hm.

I picture a conveyor belt of donuts a-la Simpsons with Nicole being strapped into a chair, her nose plugged with one of those swimming nose plugs, while a machine is chewing the food for her and she is forced to swallow dozens of donuts at a time.

Man. I wish I had her problems. Unfortunately it’s all the other way for me. The last time I went for a walk is when firemen broke the side wall of my house down and I was lowered in a crane from the 5th floor in order to be drained of my fluids to give me a new lease on life.

Damn. Some people have all the luck. Like me and about a billion starving children that could only wish they were working with teams of doctors and nutritionists.

Matthew Perry abandoned by Friends

Rumours. There are rumours that Matthew Perry’s new tv drama Studio 60 (on NBC) is failing. Despite hype, despite crazy publicity, despite a giant push by NBC, the ratings are in a slump.

Matthew Perry is crazy over it all (or so the rumours say), and he is apparently trying to enroll the help of his Friends friends: David Schwimmer, Courteney Cox, Aniston, and Kudrow. He’s asking them for guest appearance

Heather Mills divorce allegations

This is the week of messy celebrity divorces it seems. Now it’s Heather Mills vs. Paul McCartney. A British newspaper has published a transcript of Mills’ allegations against McCartney.

Among the allegations:

The petitioner has behaved in a vindictive, punitive manner towards the respondent, on occasion thereby exposing her to risk.

What the hell kind of joke courtroom are they in? I mean if I was the judge I’d be like: “listen, you are going to be a millionaire, do you really need to take this further? Why don’t you just quit while you’re ahead and don’t embarass yourself, Millsy?”

Sara Evans nasty divorce

Eew. I don’t know what’s happening, but the public divorce of Sara Evans from her husband of 13 years, Craig Schelske, has just gotten messier.

Evans is doing interviews and so is Schelske.

Evans has claimed that her husband was unfaithful (with their kids’ nanny) and is addicted to pornography (including a stash of pictures of himself in a state of arousal).

In his turn, Schelske has accused Evans of cheating on him with various celebrities. He has named Kenny Chesney with whom she toured as a singer, her current Dancing with the Stars partner Tony Dovolani, and others.

Donald Trump cartoon coming

Rumours of a pilot of a cartoon about Donald Trump. Donald is so desperate to become a celebrity it’s sickening. Just stay home Donald. You’re old, you most likely smell like Preparation H. It’s over.

Tara Reid admits to botched plastic surgery

Yeah I know this is an old story but I have to mention it.

Tara Reid came out to US Weekly with tales of plastic surgery woe! She told the magazine that she underwent reconstructive surgery as late as a month ago to repair surgery that she received in 2004 for breast implants and liposuction.

She got the implants done the first time because her breasts were uneven (according to her). What was her problem with the surgery?

Alec Baldwin a real fatty

I saw The Departed over the weekend and I have to say: Alec Baldwin has become a real fatass. In high school, my English teacher confessed to me that Alec Baldwin was a real hottie, a heart-throb, a real man.

And, I mean, though I’m straight — I have to say he had that clean-cut image of Tom Cruise that helped him really score a first place in his then-wife’s (and then-hottie) heart.

The Hyde Club is where it’s at

Well at least for the next few months, until Angelina Jolie dumps Brad and starts going out again. That’s when everyone will flock to whichever outhouse she’ll be frequenting.

But for now, it looks like the place to frequent is the Hyde Club. See my earlier entry about Paris Hilton getting punched out there.

How do I know this? How do I know that this is the most popular place for celebrities this side of Bollywood? Well simply by the names and numbers of celebs being denied access there. Even for D-List celebs the likes of Chyna Doll, Tara Reid, and Brandon Davis, most night clubs would give an arm, a leg, and their firstborn child.

But no! Not the Hyde! They don’t just let anyone in! I will use the Hyde Club as my Sieve of Eratosthenes to find out exactly which celebrities have finally slipped off below the D-List and which are still floating in the quagmire above.

So for instance, the other night (when Tara Reid got kicked out) Lane Garrison of Prison Break fame got in. The cast of Lost got in. That is D-List.

Poor Tara Reid has slipped right off. Time to get another job Tara. What about Walmart, where their line of inexpensive but classy perfume will turn your current hobby, of dressing up and pretending to go out to clubs, a profession!

Larry Birkhead climbing the Z-List ladder

Larry Birkhead, have you heard of him? Neither have I. Well actually I had an entry about him earlier last week, in reference to his claim that he is the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.

So whatever, right? Wrong. It was announced earlier last night, that Birkhead has filed a paternity suit against Anna Nicole Smith to get her to come to California and have her newborn baby Dannie Lynn Smith tested and himself tested to determine his paternity.

How freaky is this? This follows, based on my earlier entry, logically from my theory about 2 men using a mildly retarded celebrity to climb the celebrity ladder from the Z-List where they currently are, to some semblance of a D-List.

Well whatever it is, the suit is clearly in bad taste following the death of Anna Nicole Smith’s son Daniel. Let us suppose that Birkhead is legitimately worried and let us suppose that he legitimately fears that Anna Nicole is trying to flee with his baby by splitting to the Bahamas… But what the freaking hell does he think, did she engineer the death of her own son in order to move the spotlight away from the paternity issue?? I mean, seriously, he couldn’t wait a couple of months until Daniel was in the ground before filing this stupid lawsuit?

I don’t know what’s going on, especially with respect to Howard K. Stern exchanging vows with Anna Nicole and then Anna Nicole saying that they are not married. This is a Trailer Park Opera at its worst. But no matter how Trailer Park Anna Nicole is or how ditzed-out of her mind she is, let her grieve a little bit for the death of her son. That is not a joke.

These 2 guys are just the scum of the earth. Scum! Douchebags — the both of them.

I don’t like Joe Simpson

As in the father of Ashlee and Jessica Simpson. Why don’t I like him, well I just saw on the blogs that Joe Simpson hit some metal railing with the side of his Ferrari and didn’t bother to get out to check the damage.

What pisses me off the most is that he has a Ferrari!!! Why don’t we investigate HIM for child slavery? Hm? I guarantee you that there must’ve been some sleepless crying nights in the lives of teenage Ashlee and Jessica, when Papa would come down the stairs and hit them over the head for not practicing their singing or not doing enough situps. I can tell that he was such a douchebag even then.

He became rich BECAUSE of his daughters. He didn’t somehow magically cause them to become rich! He enjoys the prestige and wealth because of their singing and performing, and yet he acts like a real sh*theel, wherever he goes. From blocking photographers from taking pictures of his daughters on the red carpet, to ruining their love lives with precisely placed leaks to the paparazzi, to firing their press-people for no good reason whatsoever.

The man is a goddamn nuisance! Why can’t he just leave us all alone and slip off forever into obscurity?!? And now, to boot, he has a Ferrari!! A Ferrari! Damn you, Joe Simpson! Have some shame.

What did you do to deserve that Ferrari? What, you are their manager? Don’t you think that a rancid cup of yogurt could manage Jessica and Ashlee better than you — the failed minister? Or do you think that you deserve something as a sperm donor?

Well heck, why don’t they just give you a bus ticket to Bolivia then and wave you on your way?

This is a personal plea to both Ashlee and Jessica: please kick your no good douchebag of a father to the curb, he is only ruining your careers. And at the same time you can do the whole world a favour by getting him out of the spotlight and out of everyone’s lives.