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The 2012 Maxim hot 100 list, really?

Has everybody seen the Maxim hot 100 list? I realize that when lists are compiled, especially ones concerning beauty, that not everybody will be satisfied. Obviously beauty is defined differently, depending on the beholder. With this in mind, I can understand some of the top choices while not necessarily agreeing with them. I don’t find Bar Refaeli to be the most gorgeous woman on the list, though I can understand why she would or could claim the title.

However, there are those that are truly making me question the judgement of those that compiled the list. Here are some of the notable what the fucks, that come to mind (in no real order):

  1. Amanda Knox (Is this supposed to drive controversy, and increase the popularity of Maxim?)
  2. Pippa Middleton (She has to be the most boring, plainest English woman included on this list. My household plants are more attractive and exciting than this woman. Pippa Middleton is plain porridge with NO sugar added.)
  3. JWOWW (What the fuck is this name, is she some kind of porn star?)
  4. Kristen Bell (Meh.)
  5. Stacey Keibler (Is this a popularity contest, or did George Clooney just make the list?)
  6. Lake Bell (I really don’t know. While her face is certainly unique, should she really be part of the hot 100 list?)
  7. Rihanna (Are we ignoring all of her fashion missteps as of late?)
  8. Selena Gomez (I thought this was a list of women. Selena Gomez has the face of a forever child, and I feel like a pedophile looking at ‘sexy’ pictures of her.)
  9. Jennifer Love Hewitt (WTF! Do men really find this try-hard, has-been woman attractive?!??)
  10. Ashley Green (Really? This Twilight star wannabe?)
  11. Lea Michelle (Um. Her personality really cancels out any attractiveness that she may have.)
  12. Katy Perry (Do her jugs really make up for everything else?)

This isn’t so much a list of attractiveness, as it is popularity.

Where is Emilia Clarke, Natalie Portman, Kristin Kreuk, Jessica Chastain, Zoe Kravitz, Chanel Iman, Amanda Seyfried, Emily Blunt, Priyanka Chopra, Irina Shayk, Freida Pinto, Liv Tyler, Angelina Jolie (yes she is skinny, but you can’t deny she has a gorgeous face), and Giselle Bundchen to name a few…

Julia Roberts looks like a stingray

George Clooney with Julia Roberts who looks like a stingrayWell maybe she doesn’t look like a stingray, but at least like a cross between a shark and a hyena.

I found this picture at the People mag’s website.

I mean. Look at that. Look at her face.

I don’t know. I’m scared.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to sleep again.

Aargh! Oofah!

Melanie Brown a gold digger?

Melanie BrownMelanie Brown as in Mel B of the Spice Girls. The Daily Mirror cites as source as declaiming that Mel B (who is 4 months pregnant with Eddie Murphy’s twins) must have gotten pregnant on one of the first times the couple slept together. Could we really call them dates?

This is a good lesson to all celebrity gazillionaires: keep it in your pants if the girl is not at least D-List.

This is Eddie Murphy’s checklist:

1) Have you seen her hanging around your hotel room with paper and pen in hand asking for autographs? (Check?)
2) She hasn’t had a record in the last 10 years? (Check!)
3) Did you see her earlier with a tinfoil hat on talking to two cats? (Check!)
4) Is she calling her mother every 2 minutes telling her about her plans to get pregnant with your twins? (Check!)
There. If you answered yes to 2 or more of those questions Eddie, George Clooney, Leonoardo DiCaprio (insert other A-List celebrity names here), you have discovered a former Z-List celebrity trying to get back into fame and score a big paycheque. Either use a condom or (for gods sake) keep it in your pants!

Cruise and Holmes to be married in Italy

That’s the new rumour. The previous rumour was that they would be getting married in George Clooney’s home/palace. That rumour has been denied by Clooney’s publicist.

The new rumour is Italy. Rumours shmumours.

I’m going to start a rumour. They are getting married on the deck of the spaceship of Xenu the Intergalactic Space Tyrant. That seems to make more sense. It’ll be a proper religious (Scientologist) wedding.

George Clooney huh?

Star Magazine came out with some news… Apparently George Clooney has hooked up with Ellen Barkin. Ellen Barkin, Ellen Barkin…

Hm. You see? Everyone said that George Clooney was a fake philanthropist, but now you know that he seriously is committed to celebrity charity — Barkin is literally 52 years old. It just shows what sort of coxman Clooney really is. I mean in order to go to someone’s grandma, when you can have any woman in Hollywood (or in the world), literally means that you HAVE had every woman in Hollywood already.

I mean she’s not that bad, really:

Ellen Barkin
But then you have something like this:

Scary Ellen Barkin

(She looks like my brother-in-law when he forgets to shave.)