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Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are playing us all like a finely tuned violin

You got what you wanted (this is directed at you minivan majority)! Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are finally engaged. They were living in sin for far too long. Can we hope now that their children’s souls will be saved from hell? How could they go on living such a poor example for their children, don’t they care about their salvation?!??! And do we really believe that Angelina Jolie is a changed woman? The saying is, once a home wrecker, always a home wrecker, right?

For ages, these two were touting the whole “we wont get married until everyone can marry” tune to the press. It seems the story has not changed. They are still following this mantra, though with a very public and well placed proposal and ring to support their next round of movie promotions. In short, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are now engaged because it “made sense”, but do not see a wedding in the foreseeable future. This will only change once everybody in the US can legally marry. Oh they are dreamers, are they not. The US is going backwards in human and civil rights, do they really think they will ever get married in their lifetime with an attitude like that?

I predict that these two will not stand by their morals, and conveniently marry when it ‘makes sense’. Do you think it will be this upcoming Oscar season, or the next?

And look at that honker of a ring. What man could possibly think that design could ever be a good idea?

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Jennifer Lopez and her man-whore

What a sad, desperate woman. Look at this man-whore. There is no way that Jennifer Lopez is dating this young man for anything other than sex. But come on, is this really what she is in to? He looks like every other dickhead at a night club trying to take you home that night. There is no way he is not a douche. And why this dickhead? She is Jennifer Lopez god-damnit! She could probably get any man-whore that she wanted!

Why else would she be opening her legs up for this ‘man’? His mind? His humour? His big heart? Oh yes, I can just imagine the conversation at their dinner table right now.

The best is this quote as stated from an ‘inside’ source into Casper and Jennifer’s relationship: “He treats her like a queen…and centers everything on Jennifer.” WTF. How narcissistic do you have to be, to allow the person you are dating, center everything on yourself? What a healthy relationship that must be. Well I guess Casper Smart realizes just who his sugar mama is, and what he has to do to keep the money and privileges rolling in. I wonder how long until she is married and ‘with child’ again.

Justin Bieber is the manly-woman in the relationship (i.e. the butch lesbian)

Here I offer you proof:

And spare me any “oh Levenstar, you are perpetuating stereotypes by suggesting that women can’t like sports. You are supporting the patriarchy derived notions of what it is to be a woman, blah, blah, blah “. This isn’t what this post is about. Obviously women can be into sports.

What I am proposing is that perhaps Selena Gomez is in fact a lesbian. This would explain everything about her and Justin’s relationship. Look at his hair, look at his face! Is he wearing makeup? And WTF is that tool wearing? Justin Bieber is the ‘manly’ female in the relationship! He’s mostly a woman trapped in a woman’s body, pretending to be male. It makes perfect sense!

Drew Barrymore has a bun in the oven.

Who knew? Suddenly I have been seeing photos of her walking around looking pregnant. Interesting. I wonder if this means that she is ready to settle down and tame her wild child ways. Her she is walking with her husband to be Will Kopelman.

In any case, let me take this opportunity to hate on a few words that are often associated with pregnancy. I seriously cannot stand the usage of ‘preggers’ or ‘baby bump’. WTF, and who the fuck would want to refer to their unborn child in this way? It’s disgustingly white trash-like to me, and I just shudder at the common usage of these terms in most celebrity gossip websites, on facebook, etc. Gross.

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker back on?

There is talk that Longoria has been sighted at the exhibition games of Parker’s basketball team and they have been seeen together. On or off, Longoria? On or off?

I’m not planning to date an attached woman. Don’t try to have your cake and eat it too.

Travis Barker still hanging out with Paris Hilton

I guess that Shanna Moakler wasn’t so wrong after all when she punched out Paris.

There are reports that Paris and Travis Barker have been seen chatting and hanging out all over LA. Travis has been a regular bitch in Paris Hilton’s entourage. All we need from him now is a little pink bow around his head and a few more tattoos to get that really grungy, dirty, STD-infested-but-still-cute look down. And he will be Paris Hilton’s new shadow.

Yay.