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Paris Hilton Released

I saw it here first. But it’s also all over the news. She’s out. She’s out. Can you believe it? She’s out.

Freaking… Sonofa… I guess having a rich dad can buy you justice and all sorts of other things.

The official reasons cited = “medical reasons”.  She was waning on a lack of a daily dose of emetic and cell phone service. Screw this. I’m pissed! She can’t even be published properly. I mean she got all of the publicity and she paid for none of it! What the f*ck is going on here? What?! Tell me. I don’t know. I give up.

F*cking house arrest! 4!$!%!%!!

Paris Hilton and Jail

Paris Hilton was probably the first person to coin the phrase “no publicity is bad publicity”, cause she’s certainly living that philosophy to the fullest.

Here’s something to blow you away: she did it on purpose! Well maybe not drinking and driving… That we can attribute to her usual ditzy, blonde-y, heiress-y, retard-y self. But the subsequent violation of her terms and doing everything but climbing the fence into jail, was a result of a premeditated attempt to get more publicity!

This is the approximate conversation between the attention-whore and her publicist/nut-licker:

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Rumer Willis and Lindsay Lohan

Rumer Willis has increasingly (and disturbingly) come to be sighted together with Lindsay Lohan. Oh they go everywhere together it seems.

And as dear old Paris would say, “like… eew!” There is something disturbing about having another teeny-bopper / too-rich-for-her-own-good starlet prancing around Hollywood in revealing negligees and talking publically about her sex life.

In case you missed it, Rumer Willis is the daughter of Demi Moore and… You guessed it: Bruce Willis! She actually looks a little bit like a mix of the two. Actually she looks more like a manlier version of Demi Moore, which after you consider her unnatural hirsute-ness, is not a good thing at all!

Anyways, to Rumer I say: please get an honest job! Become a pool shark, a race car driver, a car salesmen. Just stop hanging around with Lindsay. It’s not even funny how tired I am of these idiot wannabe celebrities being famous for their notoriety.

Lindsay and Paris Hilton are the worst of them all. So you blew a donkey Paris Hilton, so did Tom Green, so did Andy Dick… No one cares. Just go do something productive with your life. See how Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie want to be rehabilitate their lives? Try doing something similar!

Paris Hilton and Tinkerbell

Can anyone say “Like Oh My God!”?

Paris Hilton was seen shopping for her chihuhua Tinkerbell the other day, buying the dog purses, clothes, and other various items.

I know this has been said about Paris already, and this is where 90% of her fame comes from, but I’ll say it anyways: I’m so sick of Paris Hilton. I can’t wait till she turns into a bald, fat man.

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton reconciling

I know, I know. You don’t care. Neither do I really… But Paris and Lindsay have been seen so often in the last week hanging about that I am wondering whether perhaps there might not be some lesbian action going on. I mean I could always dream. That would be hot.

Otherwise, there’s nothing more interesting about that incredibly vapid duo.

More disturbing Screech sextape details

I was going to write about this sooner, however on the Howard Stern Show last week the porn monger David Hans Schmidt let Stern preview the tape and comment on it as it was going on.

Nothing notable, except that both Howard and his sidekick Robin Quivers commented on how huge Screech’s endowment is. At some point it was referred to as a tree-trunk.

Nothing else was notable about the interview, except everyone found out how greasy and discomforting David Hans Schmidt is. He is a celebrity in his own right being behind other celebrity sex-interest paraphernalia like O. J. Simpson’s sextape, Tonya Harding’s sextape, and apparently he tried to sell the contents of Paris Hilton’s locker once. A really creepy guy.

Screech Sex Tape Explanation

Screech aka Dustin DiamondOn MSNBC’s Rita Cosby, Screech (aka Dustin Diamond) said the following about his sex tape and his “efforts” to prevent it from being made public:

We could spend a fortune fighting it in court, with little bits already being leaked out on the Internet or we could suck it up and say you know what, it could be a losing battle, we’ll make money if we just side with it.

Riiiight. Cause that’s what happened, Screech. I believe you SO much. What do you find more difficult to believe: (a) a former child actor — who used to be promised all the baubbles and rewards of celebrity-dom, but has now fallen on hard times and obscurity — sells his sextape to a pornographer in order to make some money and to at least make it into the celebrity Z-List or (b) the tape accidentally leaked to the media.

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Donald Trump makes words of wisdom come out his ass

Donald Trump has spoken out on Paris Hilton:

Paris said she wants to build a brand just like Donald Trump. And I don’t know if she’s done it the same way but she is smart like a fox. People say, ‘Oh, she’s not smart, she’s not this, she’s not that.’ She’s done a very good job.

Donald Trump and Larry KingDonald who the f*ck are you kidding? Who? Not me. If a donkey said something nice about you, you would be on your knees pleasuring it orally. Give me a break you giant, toupe-ed, douchebag. Oh sorry. Those are glorified hair extensions, not a toupe. My bad.

What’s this picture about, you ask? That’s a picture of Larry King petting the wolverine that has woven its nest on Donald Trump’s head.

Travis Barker still hanging out with Paris Hilton

I guess that Shanna Moakler wasn’t so wrong after all when she punched out Paris.

There are reports that Paris and Travis Barker have been seen chatting and hanging out all over LA. Travis has been a regular bitch in Paris Hilton’s entourage. All we need from him now is a little pink bow around his head and a few more tattoos to get that really grungy, dirty, STD-infested-but-still-cute look down. And he will be Paris Hilton’s new shadow.

Yay.

Travis Barker broken arm

Travis Barker toplessNormally I wouldn’t care, but coming on the news of the public beating that his estranged wife Shanna Moakler gave Paris Hilton, the arm-breaking incident is at least worthy of mention.