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Cruise and Holmes to be married in Italy

That’s the new rumour. The previous rumour was that they would be getting married in George Clooney’s home/palace. That rumour has been denied by Clooney’s publicist.

The new rumour is Italy. Rumours shmumours.

I’m going to start a rumour. They are getting married on the deck of the spaceship of Xenu the Intergalactic Space Tyrant. That seems to make more sense. It’ll be a proper religious (Scientologist) wedding.

Nicole Kidman calls Katie Holmes to give advice

Actress Nicole KidmanBwah!? According to a British tabloid (Grazia), Nicole Kidman called Katie Holmes to give her marriage advice when the reports of Holmes’ reluctance to marry Tom Cruise were out.

According to the tabloid, Nicole Kidman spent a long time on the phone with Holmes telling her what a great guy Cruise was, how supportive of a husband he is, how wonderful of a man he is, and what a terrible monster Xenu the Intergalactic Space Tyrant was.

Apparently, Scientologist Tom Crusie can do no wrong if even his ex-wife is calling his fiance and telling her great life is with him. My head is spinning! Maybe scientologists caught Kidman and brainwashed her or maybe they just used the space-age Xenu technology to fake her voice.

I don’t get it. Nicole, why did you divorce him and move to far away Australia if he’s so great? Tell me it wasn’t because of the tin foil hats he made you wear.

Further proof of Tom Cruise’s insanity

Did you really need further proof? No? Well here it is:

There have been reports on certain blogs which have retrieved certain information from certain Tom Cruise insiders that Tom Cruise is really worried about Katie Holmes’ weight. There are phrases such as “very concerned” and “extremely worried” being used.

Nevermind that she just had a baby, right Tom? He’s apparently worried about her slimming down for their wedding.

I think that Katie can go 1 of 2 ways from here. Either she’ll realize what sort of insanity she’s dealing with and run for her life as far away as she can, or she’ll get completely converted to Tom Cruise’s mindset and will start sitting on the roof of their home with a tin foil hat and a tv antenna waiting for signals from the Beavians or Kraxploch the Intergalactic Croissant.

Katie Holmes marriage second thoughts?

The tabloids are awash with stuff about the soon-to-be Tom Cruise and Holmes marriage. They speak about lavish affairs and events at the Scientology Centre in LA. But there have been some rumblings lately about Katie Holmes not being so pleased with all the attention that she’s getting from Cruise’s inner circle.

What’s the problem you ask? Well it’s just a little matter of Tom Cruise being part of a cult… Oops sorry — I meant a religion. Called scientology. I’m sure you know this, but did you know that all of the scripts that Katie Holmes is considering have to go through the hands of the elders of the Church of Scientology? So anything she does basically has to be approved by the “church”. Hm. Well. The Sunday Mirror (in the UK) had a quote of Katie speaking to a woman who visited her home:

I don ‘t have my own life any more. I’m not comfortable.

I feel really sorry for Katie. She’s already had his kid so she’s sort of in a bind about leaving him, and now she’s reconsidering marriage. Guess what Katie? It’s not too late. Run! Run like the wind! Run faster than the wind and take the baby too! He’s insane. Thank you.