Archive | September 2006

More interesting things about Nick Lachey

The National Enquirer reports that, according to Vanessa Minnillo’s friends, Vanessa would not want to marry Nick. She’s interested in jocks. Had a real crush on Derek Jeter at one point and, according the same friends, does not find Lachey sporty enough.

Well if you want to check out my earlier entry about Nick Lachey’s gay picture, you will be able to see for yourself how jock-y he is.

Vanessa Minnillo is too hot to waste her time pining away for straight guys. Some straight man should pick her up: maybe Edward Norton or George W. Bush. Let Nick Lachey move in with Ryan Seacrest. Let the world’s metrosexual unite!

Kate Bosworth is dating a model

Kate Bosworth is living every man’s dream and is dating a model. Unfortunately the model isn’t female, but hey Kate Bosworth is not a guy, either.

After dumping Orlando Bloom — and that’s really what it was, let’s not kid ourselves; after starring in Superman Returns, she didn’t need his crappy half-acting ass to make celebrity news anymore — she moved on to the next himbo in the person of James Rousseau.

Rousseau is a fashion model who is making a big splash in the fashion industry (or so some insiders say). And soon he’ll be making a splash in acting, providing he’s not a total imbecile, and providing Bosworth is going to stop playing the field long enough to get him into a movie or 2.

So making his D-List debut, comes Bosworth’s himbo James Rousseau.

Leonardo DiCpario keeps it green

I really like this guy.

A statement like that for the former heart-throb might put my heterosexuality into question, so let me defend myself by stating that I spent about 4 hours in a strip club last night paying for over-priced beer and vodka shots while staring at girls who had nothing but utter disdain for me, in the company of about 200 other men. Hm. That didn’t seem to work that well to prove my straight-ness.

Ok ok. Let me explain then why I like him: First he’s a good actor. There’s no way to get around it. He’s really good. Titanic sucked, but he was good in it. The Aviator movie was carrier by him (the one about that rich dude who makes movies with the urine and the OCD and all that).

Second, there was a report in New York Daily News about DiCaprio arriving at an after party for some movie premiere in a Toyota Prius. A hybrid car. Why is this important? Because he didn’t choose a limo or one of those H2 Hummer monstrosities that Jay-Z and Beyonce like to arrive in. He went with his conscience and rode a hybrid. Well who knows if this is true. Maybe he just had no other ride, but if that’s not the case and he CHOSE the hybrid, then cudos to him.

Brad Pitt wants to have a boy

That’s what Page Six reported yesterday from their super secret “inside sources”. Why is this important? Well it’s not. Nothing is, really.

What’s interesting is their same source (rolling my eyes) reported that Angelina Jolie wants to adopt and wants to leave her womb unburdened of Pitt’s semen. Why? Well she wants to be in a damn movie sometime soon!

It’s that old feminist dilemma: should I be bound to the man permanently by carrying his child for 9 months and then having him take care of me OR should I focus on my career in a male-dominated world, making my money off my looks and very vaguely off my real talent. Well I don’t mean that this is every woman’s dilemma, I mean this is Jolie’s dilemma.

Either way, Angelina want to adopt, but Pitt wants an offspring from his loins. Hrrumpfh says I. Apparently neither one of you have heard of sperm donation or surrogate fertilization. I suggest Jennifer Aniston as the surrogate parent to Pitt’s sperm and Jolie’s egg. That would be freaking awesome! Imagine the gossip, the yelling, the … Sheer ecstacy of it all! And remember, I copyrighted this idea, so if Pitt and Jolie ever decide to do as I suggested, tell them I want major royalties.

Anna Nicole Smith exchanges vows with hanger-on

It should be illegal for how some people exploit the retarded. This past Friday, there was a report that Anna Nicole Smith exchanged some kind of weird “eternal friendship” vows with long-time groupie Howard K. Stern.

As noted in my earlier entry about who the father of Smith’s baby is, Howard K. Stern is just a below Z-List celebrity looking for a free lunch (this is my opinion; I have to state this part, for after all — he is a lawyer :)). So now he finally got it into her head how much he loves her and how he’d like to marry her. The trouble is that she’s been through so much with the death of her son Daniel and the baby and all that and like… Can’t he freaking leave her alone to grieve in her own retarded way?!?

No. Like a goddamn vulture, he’s right in there with the stupid ceremony in the Carribean and the press releases and whatever else. Leave her the hell alone you moron!

Oh another interesting thing. The release came from TrimSpa, the diet pill company… Like how screwed up is that? Stay tuned for more stupid things coming very soon (I bet).

Nick Lachey gay picture

Fruity Nick LacheyI found this picture while browsing the People Magazine website. Now I’m not saying that he’s gay. But like come on. Look at the way he’s holding that bagel or wtvr it is he’s eating and that fresh and clean shaven look. I’m surprised that Perez Hilton hasn’t descended on this. I mean Perez Hilton is one of those gay guys that thinks everyone else is gay simply because the man is gay himself.

However, the picture is very iffy. I’m talking very iffy. I dunno. Look at that pinky up in the air.

But the man IS dating Vanessa Minnillo so what can I say? I don’t know. I just thought I’d post this picture.

Eva Longoria single?

Eva Longoria black dressPeople reported yesterday that Eva Longoria and Tony Parker split up. Because of distance they said. And that the break up was “amicable”.

Whatever. You didn’t need that bum, Eva. I’d like to propose my candidacy for your next boyfriend. My credentials? I’m a himbo just like every other man you dated. And if you support me financially, I can spend the rest of my days putting in 10 hours a day at the gym to turn my beer belly into a washboard stomach. Come on Eva. I am very motivated to become a celebrity’s himbo. I know what to do and how to act, and I will never ever write a book or talk to the media! Consider it, please.

Jackie Martling Sirius rumours

Speaking of Z-List Celebrities: have you ever heard of Jackie Martling?

Jackie is an old Howard Stern Show stalwart who purportedly quit the show because of money differences. According to Howard Stern he’s one greedy bastard. Apparently, during a contract negotiation while Howard Stern was on terrestrial radio, Jackie “the Jokeman” Martling requested more money than Howard Stern himself was earning and refused to go on the air. Well that was that, Martling hasn’t been on the show for almost 9 or 10 years and his spot his instead been taken up by the morbidly obese Artie Lange.

This is all, by the way, only interesting to Howard Stern fans, so if you are not one you are probably wondering about who cares about crap like this.

Well I used to be into Howard Stern quite a bit, so it’s interesting that now Jackie Martling is reported to be signing a deal to have his own show on Sirius. Some kind of talk hour where he will no doubt hock his crappy joke wares like joke toys, mugs, and rubber bananas.

Who cares right? Well the interesting thing is that he’s going to get on channel 101 on Sirius, which is one of two channels allotted to Howard Stern. What does this tell me? It tells me that things aren’t going so well for Stern. It’s not enough that the channels are constantly filled with replayed shows and boring banter with retarded people, he has to bring in untalented former comedy writers to fill in his programming.

Indeed, this follows on news of Sirius subscriptions not growing at quite the nice clip they were for the first quarter of 2006 and the rumours of stock problems and Howard Stern’s own purported worries about the health of his Show.

So we have to wait and see whether the Jackie Martling rumours are true. And if they are, what does this mean for the end of Stern’s career and his slide into obscurity?

Anna Nicole Smith really living up to the trailer trash moniker

Yesterday on Larry King Live, Anna Nicole Smith’s long time hanger-on and friend Howard K. Stern (who purports to also be her lawyer) admitted that he is the father of Smith’s baby.

Quelle surprise. At this point, the only thing that separates Anna Nicole Smith from the trailer park is a couple of million dollars and some diet pills.

But seriously. This is a story right out of Jerry Springer, since earlier in the summer “freelance journalist” Larry Birkhead claimed to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby and asked for a paternity suit. All we need is some folding chairs to be thrown around and an audience wearing triple extra-large football jerseys yelling “JERRY! JERRY!”

Howard K. Stern has disputed Birkhead’s claim. Stern says that he believes himself to be the father and that he loves Anna Nicole Smith and hopes that she shares his feelings. How sad are you Stern? Have you ever considered getting a real job you giant freaking douche bag?

What’s most immoral about this is that whoever impregnated Anna Nicole, pretty impregnated a functionally retarded person. Poor Anna Nicole and poor baby.

Screech has a sex tape

Rush & Malloy report that Screech (from Saved by the Bell) also known as Dustin Diamond has apparently starred in a sex tape with two women.
Screech was recently on Howard Stern, lamenting to the world about how broke he is, telling everyone about his comedy career, and how he is looking to break out of the Screech role once and for all.

Making a sex tape is one way to launch your career. Look what it did for Paris Hilton. In the tape, Screech is apparently engaging in intercourse with two women and acts worthy of a serious porno video. Apparently a Dirty Sanchez is involved. Check out wikipedia for a reference to what a Dirty Sanchez is.

I’ve heard of celebrity desperation to climb out of the D-List, but this is just play silly. Screech is not even on a Z-List. Well maybe he is on a Z-List since we know his name and all that, but still.