Archive | Celebrity Sadness RSS for this section

The Hyde Club is where it’s at

Well at least for the next few months, until Angelina Jolie dumps Brad and starts going out again. That’s when everyone will flock to whichever outhouse she’ll be frequenting.

But for now, it looks like the place to frequent is the Hyde Club. See my earlier entry about Paris Hilton getting punched out there.

How do I know this? How do I know that this is the most popular place for celebrities this side of Bollywood? Well simply by the names and numbers of celebs being denied access there. Even for D-List celebs the likes of Chyna Doll, Tara Reid, and Brandon Davis, most night clubs would give an arm, a leg, and their firstborn child.

But no! Not the Hyde! They don’t just let anyone in! I will use the Hyde Club as my Sieve of Eratosthenes to find out exactly which celebrities have finally slipped off below the D-List and which are still floating in the quagmire above.

So for instance, the other night (when Tara Reid got kicked out) Lane Garrison of Prison Break fame got in. The cast of Lost got in. That is D-List.

Poor Tara Reid has slipped right off. Time to get another job Tara. What about Walmart, where their line of inexpensive but classy perfume will turn your current hobby, of dressing up and pretending to go out to clubs, a profession!

Advertisements

Larry Birkhead climbing the Z-List ladder

Larry Birkhead, have you heard of him? Neither have I. Well actually I had an entry about him earlier last week, in reference to his claim that he is the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.

So whatever, right? Wrong. It was announced earlier last night, that Birkhead has filed a paternity suit against Anna Nicole Smith to get her to come to California and have her newborn baby Dannie Lynn Smith tested and himself tested to determine his paternity.

How freaky is this? This follows, based on my earlier entry, logically from my theory about 2 men using a mildly retarded celebrity to climb the celebrity ladder from the Z-List where they currently are, to some semblance of a D-List.

Well whatever it is, the suit is clearly in bad taste following the death of Anna Nicole Smith’s son Daniel. Let us suppose that Birkhead is legitimately worried and let us suppose that he legitimately fears that Anna Nicole is trying to flee with his baby by splitting to the Bahamas… But what the freaking hell does he think, did she engineer the death of her own son in order to move the spotlight away from the paternity issue?? I mean, seriously, he couldn’t wait a couple of months until Daniel was in the ground before filing this stupid lawsuit?

I don’t know what’s going on, especially with respect to Howard K. Stern exchanging vows with Anna Nicole and then Anna Nicole saying that they are not married. This is a Trailer Park Opera at its worst. But no matter how Trailer Park Anna Nicole is or how ditzed-out of her mind she is, let her grieve a little bit for the death of her son. That is not a joke.

These 2 guys are just the scum of the earth. Scum! Douchebags — the both of them.

I don’t like Joe Simpson

As in the father of Ashlee and Jessica Simpson. Why don’t I like him, well I just saw on the blogs that Joe Simpson hit some metal railing with the side of his Ferrari and didn’t bother to get out to check the damage.

What pisses me off the most is that he has a Ferrari!!! Why don’t we investigate HIM for child slavery? Hm? I guarantee you that there must’ve been some sleepless crying nights in the lives of teenage Ashlee and Jessica, when Papa would come down the stairs and hit them over the head for not practicing their singing or not doing enough situps. I can tell that he was such a douchebag even then.

He became rich BECAUSE of his daughters. He didn’t somehow magically cause them to become rich! He enjoys the prestige and wealth because of their singing and performing, and yet he acts like a real sh*theel, wherever he goes. From blocking photographers from taking pictures of his daughters on the red carpet, to ruining their love lives with precisely placed leaks to the paparazzi, to firing their press-people for no good reason whatsoever.

The man is a goddamn nuisance! Why can’t he just leave us all alone and slip off forever into obscurity?!? And now, to boot, he has a Ferrari!! A Ferrari! Damn you, Joe Simpson! Have some shame.

What did you do to deserve that Ferrari? What, you are their manager? Don’t you think that a rancid cup of yogurt could manage Jessica and Ashlee better than you — the failed minister? Or do you think that you deserve something as a sperm donor?

Well heck, why don’t they just give you a bus ticket to Bolivia then and wave you on your way?

This is a personal plea to both Ashlee and Jessica: please kick your no good douchebag of a father to the curb, he is only ruining your careers. And at the same time you can do the whole world a favour by getting him out of the spotlight and out of everyone’s lives.

Martha Stewart hip replacement

Oof. Lloyd Grove reports that Martha is slated to go in for the operation sometime soon.

Nothing tells you you’re old like a hip replacement Martha. That’s Ok. Don’t worry. As Tyler Durden says: “even the Mona Lisa is falling apart”. Look at your arch nemesis Donald Trump, he’s got those freaky hairplugs. Teri Hatcher looks like her own wax statue from that celebrity wax museum. Don’t be sad Martha. Just a work a little less hard.

Anna Nicole Smith exchanges vows with hanger-on

It should be illegal for how some people exploit the retarded. This past Friday, there was a report that Anna Nicole Smith exchanged some kind of weird “eternal friendship” vows with long-time groupie Howard K. Stern.

As noted in my earlier entry about who the father of Smith’s baby is, Howard K. Stern is just a below Z-List celebrity looking for a free lunch (this is my opinion; I have to state this part, for after all — he is a lawyer :)). So now he finally got it into her head how much he loves her and how he’d like to marry her. The trouble is that she’s been through so much with the death of her son Daniel and the baby and all that and like… Can’t he freaking leave her alone to grieve in her own retarded way?!?

No. Like a goddamn vulture, he’s right in there with the stupid ceremony in the Carribean and the press releases and whatever else. Leave her the hell alone you moron!

Oh another interesting thing. The release came from TrimSpa, the diet pill company… Like how screwed up is that? Stay tuned for more stupid things coming very soon (I bet).

Drew Barrymore used to be so hot

I was looking over the video above the other day, mourning for the lost looks of Drew Barrymore. Now if I had a choice between my grandmother and Drew, I would pick grandma, cause at least the woman can cook. I have serious doubts about Drew Barrymore’s skills outside of being a former hot chick.

Check the video: