Archive | August 2006

George Clooney huh?

Star Magazine came out with some news… Apparently George Clooney has hooked up with Ellen Barkin. Ellen Barkin, Ellen Barkin…

Hm. You see? Everyone said that George Clooney was a fake philanthropist, but now you know that he seriously is committed to celebrity charity — Barkin is literally 52 years old. It just shows what sort of coxman Clooney really is. I mean in order to go to someone’s grandma, when you can have any woman in Hollywood (or in the world), literally means that you HAVE had every woman in Hollywood already.

I mean she’s not that bad, really:

Ellen Barkin
But then you have something like this:

Scary Ellen Barkin

(She looks like my brother-in-law when he forgets to shave.)

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Jessica Biel lesbian action

The NY Daily News reported today that Jessica Biel was seen kissing another chick at Lotus nightclub in New York.

Now, I had a big problem when Esquire named Jessica Biel the sexiest woman alive. A big problem! She’s nowhere near sexiest! I would give her an 8 (out of 10), whereas I would give chicks like Charlize Theron, Uma Thurman, and Jake Gyllenhaal a 9! Therefore I was astounded at the Esquire rating.

But now, after hearing this story, I really have to say that I am re-evaluating my evaluation. Perhaps you are not aware of my rating system: points (out of 10) are earned for various attributes. Being a female cop earns you +2 points, being a scientist (in the natural sciences) earns you +1.5; being a female cop who practices natural sciences part-time, earns you +3 points. But being a hot lesbian earns you +4 points!

So now on to the re-evaluation. Initially, after reading the Esquire list, I sort of up-raised my rating of Jessica Biel from a 7 to 7.5-8. So now, after hearing about this lesbian story, I must honestly and unabashedly add the 4 points and say that her rating has shot way up now from a tepid 7-8 points to a hot lipstick lesbian 11-12 points (this is out of 10)! I mean, she kisses another chick! And according to reports the other chick was pretty hot too.

Please, oh please, God, let it be true! I need updates! Updates and photos! Photos and updates! Come onnnnnnnnnnnnn Lesbian Jessica Biel. I am crossing my fingers.

Ha! Val Kilmer is a fatty!

The English tabloid DailyMail has posted a picture of Val Kilmer walking around on the beach. And I can tell ye… I am happy! I am truly and wonderfully happy that this bastard who has gotten all the chicks in his life and has probably has gotten laid more than any many on Earth (next to Paris of Troy) has finally gotten his comeuppance, check out the story here.
Val Kilmer is a fatty fat fat

Celebrities Wear the Dumbest Things

In the interests of getting into tabloids, celebrities can be talked into wearing the dumbest possible things. TMZ has compiled a list of worst celeb wear last month.

Courtney Love (we know all about her, just not the trailer park which let her out):

Courtney Love Hill Billy shick

Mariah Carey:

Mariah Carey fat prison-costume

It’s like she just did time in a fishtank at Seaworld.

Eva Longoria is always hot no matter what she’s wearing:

Hot Eva Longoria ugly fashion

For more pictures, check out the TMZ entry: link.

Mel Gibson — I love him

TMZ has discovered more data on Mel Gibson drunk driving debut. Allegedly, just before being pulled over for driving at the speed of 87 mph (in a 45 mph zone) with a blood-alcohol level of 0.12, he said the following to the valet upon leaving the restaurant at which he was getting hammered (Moonshadows in Malibu): “I’m f**ked up!”

Apparently so, Mel! But that’s not all. InTouch has gleaned pictures of that night and of Mel Gibson’s gradual inebriatedness:

Mel Gibson grandfather glasses

See those Grandfather Glasses? He’s practically a 100 years old. But look at that sly look on his face looking up at God, he must be thinking: “Dear Lord, why did you make me so good looking, and so inebriated? And why did you put these hot chicks on my arm? Why are you tempting me my God? Is it because you want me to show all these Jews that Mel Gibson can party?! Well I won’t let you down my Lord. Never!”

And here’s a picture from later on in the night:

Meg Gibson drunk off his ass

And now he’s like thinking: “*burp* Oh God. This’ll show those damn Jews. Come on girls lets go egg a Synagogue and then on to my house for some sexy dancing in my Nazi pyjamas!”

He’s a real party animal that Mel Gibson.