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I don’t like Joe Simpson

As in the father of Ashlee and Jessica Simpson. Why don’t I like him, well I just saw on the blogs that Joe Simpson hit some metal railing with the side of his Ferrari and didn’t bother to get out to check the damage.

What pisses me off the most is that he has a Ferrari!!! Why don’t we investigate HIM for child slavery? Hm? I guarantee you that there must’ve been some sleepless crying nights in the lives of teenage Ashlee and Jessica, when Papa would come down the stairs and hit them over the head for not practicing their singing or not doing enough situps. I can tell that he was such a douchebag even then.

He became rich BECAUSE of his daughters. He didn’t somehow magically cause them to become rich! He enjoys the prestige and wealth because of their singing and performing, and yet he acts like a real sh*theel, wherever he goes. From blocking photographers from taking pictures of his daughters on the red carpet, to ruining their love lives with precisely placed leaks to the paparazzi, to firing their press-people for no good reason whatsoever.

The man is a goddamn nuisance! Why can’t he just leave us all alone and slip off forever into obscurity?!? And now, to boot, he has a Ferrari!! A Ferrari! Damn you, Joe Simpson! Have some shame.

What did you do to deserve that Ferrari? What, you are their manager? Don’t you think that a rancid cup of yogurt could manage Jessica and Ashlee better than you — the failed minister? Or do you think that you deserve something as a sperm donor?

Well heck, why don’t they just give you a bus ticket to Bolivia then and wave you on your way?

This is a personal plea to both Ashlee and Jessica: please kick your no good douchebag of a father to the curb, he is only ruining your careers. And at the same time you can do the whole world a favour by getting him out of the spotlight and out of everyone’s lives.

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Jessica Simpson’s super creepy dad

So I’m sure you heard the story of Jessica Simpson’s publisher Rob Shuter. He was fired after floating the story that she was dating John Mayer. Public denials came swiftly and furiously and his firing came like almost the very next day.

Joe Simpson that scallywag

Now, we know that publicists (succubus maximus horriblus) are about as simpatico as a very hungry vampire or a very large Amazonian River Leech, however I can’t help but feel a little bit of pity for Rob Shuter having to come under the shadow of the massive ego of that total asshole

Joe Simpson. And let’s not kid ourselves, it is Joe Simpson who runs the lives of his family as if he was general George Patton or the Tyrant of Tyre. There have been many rumblings and rumours of Jessica and Ashlee being ruled completely by the man. Bookings. Appearances. Public statements. The man sticks his nose everywhere. It is rumoured that a big reason for the break-up between Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, was again Dear Old Dad. To him I say: Hey Douchebag, why don’t you cut it the hell out, have you ever heard of the Oedipal Complex but in reverse?

Apparently, formerly being a Baptist minister makes Joe Simpson an authority on everything. I heard that he is next slated to advise NASA on the new fleet of space shuttles coming in 2013 (or whenever). He has started his own management company Papa Joe Records so that he can manage his two daughters’ careers better (“oh goody” was the comment from both Ashlee and Jessica — well not relaly, but should’ve been). Can you imagine living with your own personal stalker in the house? Right in front of you he goes into your wardrobe and your laundry basket — inspects your used underwear, checks your phone calls, gives you a personal gynecological exam, etc. — and he’s your dad!! Well maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit on those last parts, but who really knows what goes on in that crazy house of theirs! If I was a jail, I would attempt to consume Joe Simpson as a profilactic measure!

Anyways, getting back to the case of Jessica Simpson’s publicist. What really happened? Well it started with the leaking of the news of Jessica Simpson’s romance with musician John Mayer. People magazine ran a cover story suggesting the love association between Simpson and Mayer and quoted Simpson as saying that she’s in love. However, a week from then came major denials from both Mayer and Simpson.

After this came the news of John Shuter’s firing by Jessica Simpson. And that seemed to that only it turned out that a few days later, Jessica Simpson issued the statement that she did not fire Rob Shuter adding that he “… is a great publicist and a great friend.” (source: TMZ.com) Huh?! If she didn’t fire him, then who did? Oh, I smell the presence of that Sphincturus Giganticus Joe Simpson.

But seriously: who could’ve asked for the firing of Simpson’s publicist. Not ditzy Jessica, who apparently adored Shuter with all her heart. And ask yourself this: why would Shuter leak and obviously false story (if in fact it was false)?

Well let me give you a theory: old squinty-eyed Joe Simpson wanted to show off his manager’s prowess by getting Jessica to date various singers who he thought where extremely hot right now (he was trying to raise the level of her career you see).

And so he tried to get her to date said Mayer. I’m sure that date or 2 was had, but lo and behold — Mayer wasn’t to be controlled like Simpson’s 2 daugthers and he may not have been so overawed at the prospect of dating the great intellect of Jessica Simpson any further and he backed off.

Joe Simpson (the creepest and dumbest manager of all time) then proceeded to do the creepest and dumbest move of all time by leaking a completely fallacious romatic entanglement between Simpson and Mayer. That didn’t work out, neither Jessica nor Mayer where very happy with the turn of events, and Creepy Joe Simpson back-pedalled in a very creepy way: by firing John Shuter.

Well that is a very elaborate and hypothetical story, but I happen to think that something like this probably DID happen. Of course I can’t prove it, or I’d be Jessica Simpson’s manager (and doing a hell of a better job too)! I would get her to wear outfits that didn’t make her look like an overgrown 13 year old, but instead really make her look like a sex bomb while she is still in the prime of her life and able to pull off the act. Oh yeah and the number one creepy thing that Creepy Joe Simpson has said about his daughter (according to wikipedia): “Jessica never tries to be sexy. She just is sexy. She’s got double Ds- you can’t cover those suckers up!”

I rest my case.