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Jessica Simpson finally releases her spawn on the world!

It’s official! There is a baby Jessica Simpson that has been unleashed into the world. Maxwell Drew is the name. Did you read that right? Jessica Simpson has named her baby GIRL Maxwell Drew Johnson.

She must really love coffee, or really wants her child to be teased in middle school. All I can think of is maxipad, as in feminine hygiene products. Really. I just. I don’t even know where to begin. Why didn’t she just name her child Sack of Potatoes, that would have at least been more creative. And who wouldn’t love to meet someone named Sack of Potatoes. This name isn’t trying to be something it isn’t, it just is.

 

 

Jessica Simpson’s never ending pregnancy

I swear she has been pregnant for years. I really feel sorry for her. She makes pregnancy look like a horrible, horrible experience. Why would any woman want to gain 50 pounds in the span of 9 months (or years for Jessica Simpson), walking around with back pain, swollen feet, and enlarged everything (yes that’s right). Only to end up with a ‘bundle of joy’ that succeeds in ripping your vagina to shreds, irrevocably stretching it to pieces. Your sex life will never be the same. That does not bode well for Joe Simpson, now does it?

Jessica Simpson speaks out on divorce with Nick Lachey

Jessica SimpsonJessica Simpson spoke to People magazine earlier this week about her breakup with Lachey. It turns out that the reason she got divorced it’s because she was TOO charitable and he wasn’t charitable enough.

Apparently, on a trip to Kenya (during which Nick stayed home) she realized that she needed to go it alone. I guess she didn’t find Nick Lachey charitable enough. And sure in that blonde bimbo’s mind she’s probably Mother Teresa, but you know what she went to Kenya for? She went there as part ofOperation Smile! An organization that provides reconstructive facial surgery! Plastic surgery! Can you imagine?

Plastic surgery! Now before you go off on me, I realize that there are probably disfigured and maimed children that might need work like that. So of course the charity is above board, but think about the mindset of Idiot Jessica Simpson when she picks THAT charity above any other to work for! Like how shallow do you have to be, to go and hand out gifts to children and put your time in with this organization when there are millions of starving children in Africa! And how about spending a buck or two to help them?

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Sheryl Crow gets nekkid for John Mayer

Not completely nekkid. But nekkid enough. I guess the 2 are touring together, and in answer for a prank that Mayer pulled on her, on one of the concert days Sheryl came out wearing just a bikini.

And I have to say for a 50 year old she has an amazing body. Amazing! Like I mean it’s no Sienna Miller perfection, but it’s pretty damn good. You can see photos here (but beware there is adult material at this site).

The question is: why is Sheryl flashing her hoochie for him? Is it really just a harmless prank or is it perhaps that the Jessica Simpson rumours really are true and she’s trying to score some Jonh Mayer Poontang.

Either way, chicks seem to be taking stuff off left and right for this guy.

Jessica Simpson and John Mayer rumours

Speaking of TMZ, they have a new entry about John Mayer and Jessica Simpson. Apparently the two were seen leaving for the ‘upstairs’ of a hotel where Mayer was staying.

This comes on the heels of a rumour (which was most likely engineered by Simpson’s father) about Simpson’s dating Mayer, which was very quickly denied by Mayer.

So the rumours go on. Let’s wait and see what possible profit Joe Simpson will try to derive from this new story.

I don’t like Joe Simpson

As in the father of Ashlee and Jessica Simpson. Why don’t I like him, well I just saw on the blogs that Joe Simpson hit some metal railing with the side of his Ferrari and didn’t bother to get out to check the damage.

What pisses me off the most is that he has a Ferrari!!! Why don’t we investigate HIM for child slavery? Hm? I guarantee you that there must’ve been some sleepless crying nights in the lives of teenage Ashlee and Jessica, when Papa would come down the stairs and hit them over the head for not practicing their singing or not doing enough situps. I can tell that he was such a douchebag even then.

He became rich BECAUSE of his daughters. He didn’t somehow magically cause them to become rich! He enjoys the prestige and wealth because of their singing and performing, and yet he acts like a real sh*theel, wherever he goes. From blocking photographers from taking pictures of his daughters on the red carpet, to ruining their love lives with precisely placed leaks to the paparazzi, to firing their press-people for no good reason whatsoever.

The man is a goddamn nuisance! Why can’t he just leave us all alone and slip off forever into obscurity?!? And now, to boot, he has a Ferrari!! A Ferrari! Damn you, Joe Simpson! Have some shame.

What did you do to deserve that Ferrari? What, you are their manager? Don’t you think that a rancid cup of yogurt could manage Jessica and Ashlee better than you — the failed minister? Or do you think that you deserve something as a sperm donor?

Well heck, why don’t they just give you a bus ticket to Bolivia then and wave you on your way?

This is a personal plea to both Ashlee and Jessica: please kick your no good douchebag of a father to the curb, he is only ruining your careers. And at the same time you can do the whole world a favour by getting him out of the spotlight and out of everyone’s lives.

Jessica Simpson’s sweet smelling poo

You know that Jessica Simpson is a real star, when you even have to know the names of her assistants.

This is the case with Adrienne Sands, who according to Page Six, has been complaining to all her friends how much it sucks to be Jessica Simpson’s assistant.  Apparently the job is too menial for her and she doesn’t feel that her university degree is being put to good use wiping Jessica’s butt.

That’s Ok Adrienne, don’t worry about it, you won’t be around for long. I’m sure that after your complaints, Joe Simpson is going to cook up some particularly nasty little surprise about how to get you fired.

Maybe Joe will book a visit to Sea World and will push you into a tank of sharks. Or maybe he’ll stage a knife-throwing contest in his house and ask you to put an apple on your head. Or maybe he’ll just publically fire you in the most embarassing way possible.

If I were you Adrienne, after your comments, I would start looking for a new job right away. Don’t wait for that modern day Genghis Khan to strike.