Paris Hilton and Jail

Paris Hilton was probably the first person to coin the phrase “no publicity is bad publicity”, cause she’s certainly living that philosophy to the fullest.

Here’s something to blow you away: she did it on purpose! Well maybe not drinking and driving… That we can attribute to her usual ditzy, blonde-y, heiress-y, retard-y self. But the subsequent violation of her terms and doing everything but climbing the fence into jail, was a result of a premeditated attempt to get more publicity!

This is the approximate conversation between the attention-whore and her publicist/nut-licker:

publicist/nut-licker: Paris! Oh my god *taking a snort of a high-brow mix of powdered sugar and flour* I just had the greatest idea!
Paris Hilton: Like oh my god! Like! What is it! *sniffs her own ass* Like come on don’t keep me waiting! *sniff*
publicist/nut-licker: Ok. Ok Ok ok! Are you ready for this?? You should stop avoiding jail! You should totally fire your lawyer (or even better!)… Tell your lawyer to ruin your case!
Paris Hilton: Oh my god like… What do you mean!! Like what the hell what I like do that for!?
publicist/nut-licker: Here’s why Paris… People are tired of seeing your vagina, and no d-list celebrity wants to have sex with you anymore in order to make a sextape, so you are pretty much done for publicity in that area… So how are you going to keep me in the lifestyle to which I’ve grown accustomed? Huh? *melts a black master card and shoots it into the vein between his toes*
Paris Hilton: *picks up the phone with the direct connection to daddy*
publicist/nutlicker: No No no no! I have a better idea! You go to jail Paris! Come on! It’ll be great! You’ll upstage the MTV Music Awards, you’ll upstage pictures from Mars! You’ll upstage the Iraq War! You’ll be the greatest thing since stupidity! Come on! Think about the moolah!
Paris Hilton: Um. Well that kind of sounds dangerous. I mean like… You know… There are like… Criminals in jail or something… Like won’t I get my ass like.. Violated… Like? You know… Like… Violated! Hellooo!
publicist/nut-licker: Paris! Come on! Honey! Baby! Sugar-loaf! Boobolah! Genital wart! What are you talking about!?!? Celebrities don’t go to jail!
Paris Hilton: They don’t?
publicist/nut-licker: Sweetiepotpie-ala! Would I lie to you! Never! Celebrities go to celebrity jail!
Paris Hilton: They do?
publicist/nut-licker: Of course pookie bottoms! Of course! We are talking about a 5 star hotel! Black servants. Margaritas for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Dom Perignon. Cocaine in crystal vases. Come on! You are the most important person in the United States! Would they send you to a real jail? Think about it!
Paris Hilton: Omg, like you are like so smart! Wow.
publicist/nut-licker: Of course I am Boobolah, that is what you pay me for! To think!

To make a long story short… If you hear stories of Hilton freezing in jail or getting poor treatment or not having enough pillows or food… Well just think… She did it to herself. Or rather her publicist or group of publicists did it.

So when you hear about an inmate violating Paris with a spoon or shoelace… Remember: she did it to herself!

(Note: The above conversation between Paris and her publicist/nut-licker was fictional. It most likely did not take place in the way described above.)

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