Screech Sex Tape Explanation

Screech aka Dustin DiamondOn MSNBC’s Rita Cosby, Screech (aka Dustin Diamond) said the following about his sex tape and his “efforts” to prevent it from being made public:

We could spend a fortune fighting it in court, with little bits already being leaked out on the Internet or we could suck it up and say you know what, it could be a losing battle, we’ll make money if we just side with it.

Riiiight. Cause that’s what happened, Screech. I believe you SO much. What do you find more difficult to believe: (a) a former child actor — who used to be promised all the baubbles and rewards of celebrity-dom, but has now fallen on hard times and obscurity — sells his sextape to a pornographer in order to make some money and to at least make it into the celebrity Z-List or (b) the tape accidentally leaked to the media.

Please! How did it leak? Did a magical Sextape Fairy fly through Dustin Diamond’s window at the YMCA and steal the sextape from right under his soiled pillow?

Or did Screech’s YMCA bunk-mate try to make some weed money by selling the sextape as firewood to another homeless guy living in a cardboard box from a refrigerator, who in turn sold the sextape to a ninja who needed material for his ninja stars, who in turn sold the sextape to a kid on the street who needed something to kick along the way home, at which point the sextape ended up in front of David Schmidt’s house… David Schmidt being the man who is now selling the sextape for viewing on the Internet.

Hm. That story is just crazy enough to work!

Or how about: Screech needed the money… Wanted the fame… Didn’t want to get a job… And SOLD the sextape to the pornographer David Schmidt!! Do you hear the trumpets of triumph ringing “Eureka”? We have found our answer!

Actually, I think that Screech is stupid for coming out with the comments about profiting from the sextape.

If he played his cards right by publicly proclaiming his outrage and threatening to sue the pornographer, but all the time keeping to a secret deal with David Schmidt to publish the sextape, he could actually do the thing that he really really really (probably) wants, which is to climb the celebrity ladder and became a celebrity in his own right. I mean he could actually make it to the celebrity D-List as that poor slob who got his giant dong filmed in a sextape. Dirty Sanchez and all.

This situation has all the hallmarks of a Celebrity Making Event a-la Paris Hilton. You have a somewhat-photogenic Z-List celebrity (barely) with the glazed look of a dead deer in his eyes and the personality of a broken umbrella, who was caught having sex on tape.

This tape could do for Screech what it did for Paris, but he has to be very careful about how he markets himself. He shouldn’t make dumb remarks about profiting from the tape or anything like that.

He should be outraged! He should be flabbergasted! But at the same time he should be photographed by paparazzi in Hollywood, having his penis pierced and driving while talking on the phone and doing his makeup.

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