Archive | September 2006

Jackie Martling Sirius rumours

Speaking of Z-List Celebrities: have you ever heard of Jackie Martling?

Jackie is an old Howard Stern Show stalwart who purportedly quit the show because of money differences. According to Howard Stern he’s one greedy bastard. Apparently, during a contract negotiation while Howard Stern was on terrestrial radio, Jackie “the Jokeman” Martling requested more money than Howard Stern himself was earning and refused to go on the air. Well that was that, Martling hasn’t been on the show for almost 9 or 10 years and his spot his instead been taken up by the morbidly obese Artie Lange.

This is all, by the way, only interesting to Howard Stern fans, so if you are not one you are probably wondering about who cares about crap like this.

Well I used to be into Howard Stern quite a bit, so it’s interesting that now Jackie Martling is reported to be signing a deal to have his own show on Sirius. Some kind of talk hour where he will no doubt hock his crappy joke wares like joke toys, mugs, and rubber bananas.

Who cares right? Well the interesting thing is that he’s going to get on channel 101 on Sirius, which is one of two channels allotted to Howard Stern. What does this tell me? It tells me that things aren’t going so well for Stern. It’s not enough that the channels are constantly filled with replayed shows and boring banter with retarded people, he has to bring in untalented former comedy writers to fill in his programming.

Indeed, this follows on news of Sirius subscriptions not growing at quite the nice clip they were for the first quarter of 2006 and the rumours of stock problems and Howard Stern’s own purported worries about the health of his Show.

So we have to wait and see whether the Jackie Martling rumours are true. And if they are, what does this mean for the end of Stern’s career and his slide into obscurity?

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Anna Nicole Smith really living up to the trailer trash moniker

Yesterday on Larry King Live, Anna Nicole Smith’s long time hanger-on and friend Howard K. Stern (who purports to also be her lawyer) admitted that he is the father of Smith’s baby.

Quelle surprise. At this point, the only thing that separates Anna Nicole Smith from the trailer park is a couple of million dollars and some diet pills.

But seriously. This is a story right out of Jerry Springer, since earlier in the summer “freelance journalist” Larry Birkhead claimed to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby and asked for a paternity suit. All we need is some folding chairs to be thrown around and an audience wearing triple extra-large football jerseys yelling “JERRY! JERRY!”

Howard K. Stern has disputed Birkhead’s claim. Stern says that he believes himself to be the father and that he loves Anna Nicole Smith and hopes that she shares his feelings. How sad are you Stern? Have you ever considered getting a real job you giant freaking douche bag?

What’s most immoral about this is that whoever impregnated Anna Nicole, pretty impregnated a functionally retarded person. Poor Anna Nicole and poor baby.

Screech has a sex tape

Rush & Malloy report that Screech (from Saved by the Bell) also known as Dustin Diamond has apparently starred in a sex tape with two women.
Screech was recently on Howard Stern, lamenting to the world about how broke he is, telling everyone about his comedy career, and how he is looking to break out of the Screech role once and for all.

Making a sex tape is one way to launch your career. Look what it did for Paris Hilton. In the tape, Screech is apparently engaging in intercourse with two women and acts worthy of a serious porno video. Apparently a Dirty Sanchez is involved. Check out wikipedia for a reference to what a Dirty Sanchez is.

I’ve heard of celebrity desperation to climb out of the D-List, but this is just play silly. Screech is not even on a Z-List. Well maybe he is on a Z-List since we know his name and all that, but still.

Drew Barrymore used to be so hot

I was looking over the video above the other day, mourning for the lost looks of Drew Barrymore. Now if I had a choice between my grandmother and Drew, I would pick grandma, cause at least the woman can cook. I have serious doubts about Drew Barrymore’s skills outside of being a former hot chick.

Check the video:

PeeWee’s drug spot

This is hilarious:

Apparently PeeWee Herman had to film this spot as part of his plea deal for indecent exposure 15 years ago. I mean, the more he tries to be serious the funnier it is! A guy with lipstick on and mascara lecturing me about crack use. Listen man: Take care, brush your hair!

Tom Green is a Z-List celeb who seems to be slipping lower

Tom Green broke his leg the other day while filming a skateboarding stunt for his internet talk show. Tom, Tom, Tom. Do’nt you know that you are like 48 now? Skateboarding is not for you. Stop it. Your life as a shticky no-talent is over. You’re just a no-talent and a non-celeb at this point. Get a real job, come on. Stop torturing us.

And just in case this broken leg was a new level of shtick-stunts on Tom Green’s part, I have to say, Tom: get a life.

Fergie Ferguson is hot

Fergie FergusonI say this after all the recent hubbub sorrounding Fergie’s new record. Recently we found out that she used to be a Crystal Meth addict and that she would like to occasionally play for the other team (revealing a depressing attraction to Dita Von Teese — why couldn’t she pick like Uma Thurman or perhaps Angelina Jolie?)

So to begin with, in the looks department I would give her a 6.5. This mainly has to do with the fact that she is kinda mannish looking. You got that strong chin, those muscular legs, and the broad shoulders… It’s almost scary. But still she’s kind of hot even with all the baggage.

She doesn’t have the figure of a celebrity, since despite all the dancing and hopping around she still has a bit of a gut and she’s way muscular. I’m sure that she’s not fat. She just doesn’t have the waifish physique of Paris The Attention Seeking Skank Hilton. That’s +2 points for that. Then she’s a dancer which earns another +0.5.

Her revelation about lesbianism earns her a +3.0, but the revelation about Dita Von Teese earns her a -1.0, for a total of +2.0 in the lesbianism department.

And finally, for being real about her drug addiction — speaking frankly and then cautioning others (especially kids) about the evils of the whole drug culture — she gets a +3.5 for being a positive celebrity role model (within reason of course: I’m not a big fan of that recent record); the most important thing is that she speaks out and speaks frankly. That is what the 3.5 is for.

Anyways, so to sum it up we have 6.5 + 2.0 + 0.5 + 2.0 + 3.5 = 14.5 out of 10 which makes her officially a hottie!