Anything and everything concerning celebs, celebrity and famous people!

Dina Lohan is out of hand

celebfan — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 16:35:56 +0000

She’s in talks with E! to do a show where she is going to reveal how she pushed Lindsay Lohan into the unhappy life of drug-abusing stardom. She’s going to reveal this by repeating the trick on her two younger kids (barely teenagers).

That’s what the show is about!

This, and the Iraq War are totally making me think America is the new Babel.

Joe Francis criminalissimo extra grande

celebfan — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 16:26:27 +0000

Joe Francis — aka the creator of “Girls Gone Wild” — is facing some pretty tough times.

He’s a wanted man in Nevada on tax evasion.

A wanted man in Florida.

A wanted man all over the place.

Here’s some of the stuff against him:

using minors in sexual performances (Florida)
conspiring to use minors for sexual performance and prostitution (Florida)
possession of a controlled substance and contraband (Florida)
$20 million worth of false deductions on tax returns (Federal)
also indicted of concealing his income (Federal)
contempt of court charges (Federal)

And that’s just the outline of his current legal woes. In conclusion? That’s what happens to a redneck that suddenly gets rich.

Paris Hilton Released

celebfan — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 16:01:53 +0000

I saw it here first. But it’s also all over the news. She’s out. She’s out. Can you believe it? She’s out.

Freaking… Sonofa… I guess having a rich dad can buy you justice and all sorts of other things.

The official reasons cited = “medical reasons”. She was waning on a lack of a daily dose of emetic and cell phone service. Screw this. I’m pissed! She can’t even be published properly. I mean she got all of the publicity and she paid for none of it! What the f*ck is going on here? What?! Tell me. I don’t know. I give up.

F*cking house arrest! 4!$!%!%!!

Victoria Beckham — a miracle

celebfan — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 15:37:09 +0000

Victoria Beckham is a real piece of work. Look at this picture. How is she keeping upright? I’ll tell you how: with a mixture of prescription narcotics and a lot of starch in her clothes.

Or perhaps if they took that clothes hanger from out behind of her back, she would fall right down.

The point is: she is really really skinny. Like… How does a mother of 2 and a wife of a gillionaire keep her figure in that shape? Vomiting? Liposuction? We would’ve heard. It must be some new fangled celebrity diet. Lysol and grape seeds. No. Scratch the grape seeds. They probably have calories. How about Lysol… And… Bits of carpeting that have cat hair in them. No. Cat hair has calories.

I don’t know. But whatever she’s doing is working a little too well. She looks like a male teenager from Thailand.

And please don’t say “oh Celebfan, but she looks sexy in that picture!” NO! If you put high heels and a tight top with a push-up bra on a teenager from Thailand, you would see exactly the same thing.

(The picture is courtesy of perezhilton.com)

Paris Hilton and Jail

celebfan — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 03:19:08 +0000

Paris Hilton was probably the first person to coin the phrase “no publicity is bad publicity”, cause she’s certainly living that philosophy to the fullest.

Here’s something to blow you away: she did it on purpose! Well maybe not drinking and driving… That we can attribute to her usual ditzy, blonde-y, heiress-y, retard-y self. But the subsequent violation of her terms and doing everything but climbing the fence into jail, was a result of a premeditated attempt to get more publicity!

This is the approximate conversation between the attention-whore and her publicist/nut-licker:

publicist/nut-licker: Paris! Oh my god *taking a snort of a high-brow mix of powdered sugar and flour* I just had the greatest idea!
Paris Hilton: Like oh my god! Like! What is it! *sniffs her own ass* Like come on don’t keep me waiting! *sniff*
publicist/nut-licker: Ok. Ok Ok ok! Are you ready for this?? You should stop avoiding jail! You should totally fire your lawyer (or even better!)… Tell your lawyer to ruin your case!
Paris Hilton: Oh my god like… What do you mean!! Like what the hell what I like do that for!?
publicist/nut-licker: Here’s why Paris… People are tired of seeing your vagina, and no d-list celebrity wants to have sex with you anymore in order to make a sextape, so you are pretty much done for publicity in that area… So how are you going to keep me in the lifestyle to which I’ve grown accustomed? Huh? *melts a black master card and shoots it into the vein between his toes*
Paris Hilton: *picks up the phone with the direct connection to daddy*
publicist/nutlicker: No No no no! I have a better idea! You go to jail Paris! Come on! It’ll be great! You’ll upstage the MTV Music Awards, you’ll upstage pictures from Mars! You’ll upstage the Iraq War! You’ll be the greatest thing since stupidity! Come on! Think about the moolah!
Paris Hilton: Um. Well that kind of sounds dangerous. I mean like… You know… There are like… Criminals in jail or something… Like won’t I get my ass like.. Violated… Like? You know… Like… Violated! Hellooo!
publicist/nut-licker: Paris! Come on! Honey! Baby! Sugar-loaf! Boobolah! Genital wart! What are you talking about!?!? Celebrities don’t go to jail!
Paris Hilton: They don’t?
publicist/nut-licker: Sweetiepotpie-ala! Would I lie to you! Never! Celebrities go to celebrity jail!
Paris Hilton: They do?
publicist/nut-licker: Of course pookie bottoms! Of course! We are talking about a 5 star hotel! Black servants. Margaritas for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Dom Perignon. Cocaine in crystal vases. Come on! You are the most important person in the United States! Would they send you to a real jail? Think about it!
Paris Hilton: Omg, like you are like so smart! Wow.
publicist/nut-licker: Of course I am Boobolah, that is what you pay me for! To think!

To make a long story short… If you hear stories of Hilton freezing in jail or getting poor treatment or not having enough pillows or food… Well just think… She did it to herself. Or rather her publicist or group of publicists did it.

So when you hear about an inmate violating Paris with a spoon or shoelace… Remember: she did it to herself!

(Note: The above conversation between Paris and her publicist/nut-licker was fictional. It most likely did not take place in the way described above.)

Federline, Federline, Federline…

celebfan — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 19:36:30 +0000

According to The Sun in the British Isles, K-Fed is trying to hawk a sextape of him and Britney Spears. The price tag somewhere in the neighbourhood of $50 mil.

Now you can tell that Britney is not not-inbred and not not-a-hick and not not-deserving-of-the-stupidest-person-award. I mean, ok… She’s the wounded party here and we should all feel sorry for her for the douche-baggy way that Kevin Federline is behaving… But come the hell on! You married a man who thinks Professional Wrestling is high art and Cheetos are high cuisine!

Ok fine. Maybe she thought him good looking and a great conversationalist like her cousins who are also her sisters, but… To make a sextape with him? Screw the sextape… To have children with him??! Listen. She deserves what she gets and that’s all I’m going to say about that.

I’m sure that Federline won’t get $50 mil for the tape. He’s waiting too long. But a cool $15 mil will be just enough to keep him in the lifestyle to which he’s become accustomed: drinking that fancy Coors Light and wearing pants.

Maggie Gyllenhaal disturbing

celebfan — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 18:52:57 +0000

Hm. Well there are some pics on the net of Maggie Gyllenhaal breast feeding her kid in public. There are at least 3 things wrong with what she’s doing, can you tell what they are?

Nicole Richie in private hospital

celebfan — Fri, 27 Oct 2006 02:56:51 +0000

Her publicist(s) are saying that she is “working” with doctors and nutritionists on an undisclosed problem. Hm.

I picture a conveyor belt of donuts a-la Simpsons with Nicole being strapped into a chair, her nose plugged with one of those swimming nose plugs, while a machine is chewing the food for her and she is forced to swallow dozens of donuts at a time.

Man. I wish I had her problems. Unfortunately it’s all the other way for me. The last time I went for a walk is when firemen broke the side wall of my house down and I was lowered in a crane from the 5th floor in order to be drained of my fluids to give me a new lease on life.

Damn. Some people have all the luck. Like me and about a billion starving children that could only wish they were working with teams of doctors and nutritionists.

Matthew Perry abandoned by Friends

celebfan — Mon, 23 Oct 2006 15:40:29 +0000

Rumours. There are rumours that Matthew Perry’s new tv drama Studio 60 (on NBC) is failing. Despite hype, despite crazy publicity, despite a giant push by NBC, the ratings are in a slump.

Matthew Perry is crazy over it all (or so the rumours say), and he is apparently trying to enroll the help of his Friends friends: David Schwimmer, Courteney Cox, Aniston, and Kudrow. He’s asking them for guest appearance

Lindsay Lohan sited with Fergie

celebfan — Mon, 23 Oct 2006 15:01:10 +0000

First she was with Rumer Willis (daughter of Demi Moore and that annoying idiot) and now it’s Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. Lindsay Lohan is really trying to increase her menagerie of celebrity friends. But for what devious plot, I do not know.